THE WINGS OF FREEDOM

In 1979, I was seventeen. For more than a few years it had been just my mother and me living in that small apartment above the H & R Block in Scotch Plains, New Jersey. My older sister moved away to college in 1975, leaving me all alone to receive the abuse from whom I then thought of as “The Beast.”

My daily torture consisted of being isolated from other kids, screamed at, called names (lots of names)…

A small sampling of “Ma-isms”:
--Can’t you do anything right?
--I have more sense in my little finger than you have in you whole body!
--You’re as slow as molasses and twice as thick!
--Get out of my sight! You make me sick to my stomach!
--Who the hell do you think you are? The Queen of Farouk?
--You’re nothing but a spoiled, rotten brat!
--You lazy, good-for-nothing kid!
--You little snot!
--You little shit!
--I’ll fix your little red wagon!
--I’ll knock some sense into that hard head of yours!
--I’m gonna straighten your ass out!
--I’ll smack you so hard, you won’t know what hit you! You’ll see stars!
--I’m gonna bust your head wide open!
--I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you!

I think the verbal threats did more damage than actually being socked. Her words hit so much harder than her blows.

I was molested by men more than once during my childhood.

When I was of preschool age, there was a family member in my life on a regular basis. He was an alcoholic. At night he liked to climb into my bed and spoon me with his naked body. I was not wearing pajamas. I don't know why that was; I just remember his naked skin and penis rubbing up against my behind. I could feel, hear and smell his vile booze-filled stench as he snorted out his drunken breath next to my ear.

I have memories of being in the bathroom with that same man. We were both naked. I don't recollect all that went on, but I do recall watching him as he sat on the toilet in the nude.

When I was twelve-years-old, my mother took me to the pediatrician for my school-ordered yearly physical. My doctor had always been Dr. P - a jolly, paternal and very kind man. I never cried when Dr. P gave me a shot. But at this visit, I learned Dr. P had retired.

The nurse showed me into the examination room and introduced me to Dr. F. He was in his thirties, thin and wore glasses. The nurse left and my mother went to run an errand. So I was alone with Dr. F.

He told me to lie on my back on the examination table. He pulled my pants off and told me to put my legs up in the air. He crouched down at the end of the table as his gloveless fingers prodded my private parts.

I remember thinking, "Dr. P never did this."

I peeked from around my legs to get a look at him. I can still see the expression on his face as he molested me. Here it is, some forty years later, and I can still see that disgusting face - those leering eyes squinting through the lenses of his aviator glasses. And I can still feel those cold, clammy digits violating my body. It is as clear today as it was then.

When my mother came to pick me up, I felt very angry at her but I didn't know why. I suppose I wondered how she could have left me alone with such a terrible man. I felt confused and extremely dirty.

I didn't say anything to her because I was afraid she would blame me and I would end up getting hit or punished in some other way.

And Ma did love to punish.

For example, she never allowed me to take showers.

“Showers make you bald. Your father took showers and he lost his hair!” So my mother told me which day of the week I could bathe in the tub.

I could not run my own bathwater--she needed to ensure that it was scorching. I would stick my finger in and say, “Mommy, it’s hot. It burns me.”

She screamed, “There’s nothin’ wrong with that water! Now get in before I make you!”

I held my breath. Somehow if I held my breath it would not burn as much (as least that is what I told myself). Then I inched myself into the steaming porcelain cauldron. Once I got in, I could not move--the pain was so excruciating--beyond the surface of my skin, but rather, right down through my muscles and into my very bones.

And I dared not cry. Oh no. If I cried then I would really get it. So I soaked and soaked until my skin pruned. When I lifted myself up, the bottom half of my body was as red as a plum tomato. The terrycloth of the towel felt like Brillo as I tried ever so gently to pat myself dry.

While the weekly scaldings eventually stopped (showers remained forbidden, but the bathwater temperature became more tolerable), the weekly head torture continued throughout high school.

My mother did not allow me to wash my own hair. She shampooed it once a week and afterward gave me a set with gigantic, hot pink, fang-toothed plastic curlers. My hair was very course and curly, so it tangled easily. This made her more furious than her usual level of rage. She cursed at me as she hit me in head with the large and especially thick shampoo comb, yanking hard at the knots. If I moved my head in the slightest, she yelled louder, “Keep your head straight!” Then--WACK! Another firm smack with the comb.

The oversized bobby pins she used were like humungous nails jabbing into my scalp. I could never say, “Ow,” not if I wanted to escape a beating. I trained myself to endure pain in silence.

And when my mother beat my body with her favorite brown leather beating belt, she did so with all her strength--stretching her arm way back over head before whipping my flesh. She stopped only when she became exhausted. For weeks, I was left with swollen black and blue bruises over my back, buttocks and thighs. Oh, she never hit me in the face or anywhere else that was not covered by clothing. After all, she may have been sadistic, but she was not stupid.

I could never show distress at all, or else she would bellow, “Pick that lip up off the floor or I’ll pick it up for you!”

So every week I sat there--for an hour--being comb-smacked and jabbed and shouted at. Then I had to try to sleep with all that hardware jammed into my skull. The enormous bobby pins and hard rollers made head dents, which I still have to this day (maybe the wallops with the shampoo comb contributed too).

My mother expected me to service her. By “service,” I mean massaging her feet, as well as scraping her scalp. My sister preferred the scalp, while I thought the feet were a better deal. Scalp duty consisted of using a fine tooth comb to scrape off the crusty residue left behind from copious inundations of Adorn hairspray. Chunks of scalp scabs would pop in my face as I tried so desperately not to show my disgust. Yes, the feet were definitely smelly, corned and calloused, but at least nothing jumped out and landed into my eyeballs. Once my sister moved out, I was stuck with double-duty: the feet and head combo. My mother demanded manicures as an added bonus.

High school was exceedingly lonely. My sister left just as I was beginning my freshman year. I was not permitted to call girlfriends (although sometimes I was sneaky and asked my friend Hilda to call me when my mother was not home). There were no school dances, Girl Scouts, movies or sleepovers. Well to be perfectly accurate, I was allowed to visit Hilda at her house once. In addition, her mother took us to a movie, Great Adventure and a Broadway musical. I visited my friend Mary Kay once, and another friend, Donna, once. And that was the extent of my high school social life. Dates with boys were not permitted. Heaven forbid!

I immersed myself in books and watching old movies on our little black and white portable TV that we had to turn on and off with a pair of pliers. I escaped into my own special fantasy world. It was how I survived.

I tried to run away, but when I became too cold and hungry, I went back to Ma and the abuse.

She put me in a hospital and while there, I was examined by a doctor. He wore a dark brown suit and black tie, was very overweight and sported a bushy mustache. He closed the curtain around the bed and proceeded to sodomize me with his fingers. I cried. Neither my mother nor a nurse was in the room.

When Ma returned, this time I told her what had happened (unlike with the molestation of Dr. F).

She looked at me with an icy stare and sputtered, "Whatever you got, you deserved!"

I have now come to realize how very ill my mother was all those years. She was clinically paranoid and never sought help. I grew up being told that our apartment and phones were wire-tapped (this delusion only became worse after Watergate). She told us our neighbors were plotting to kill us. All the windows were nailed shut and the shades and shutters remained always closed. The Girl Scouts were going to drug us with LSD. When I was nine, my only fourth grade friend, Linda, asked me to her birthday party. My mother told me the cake would be spiked with LSD. (In the late sixties and early seventies, I suppose LSD was often in the news. My mother had such a fixation on it.)

She required control over every aspect of my life. I was not allowed to paint my toenails or shave my legs. I could not sit in our kitchen or living room. I was ordered to remain in one tiny, 9 x 10 bedroom. I watched TV there, did my homework there and ate there on a folding card table. I was not even allowed to close the bathroom door--ever.

My mother lived a life dominated by fear--a fear that stemmed from her mental illness. I cannot be angry at her for being ill. It was not her fault.

But I digress…

On January 3rd, 1979 I was supposed to return to school after the Christmas break. Despite my being in my last semester of senior year, I just could not stay another day in that apartment. I was tired of being constantly screamed at and told that I was a piece of garbage. I was tired of crying in secret and wanting to die.

I went through my mother’s dresser drawers and old purses and gathered every coin I could find. On that frigid January day, I waited until after she left for work, put the handful of coins in my pocket and headed out the door. I didn not take anything with me--only the not-so-very-warm peacoat on my back.

Instead of walking to Mount Saint Mary Academy, I ran to the bus stop on Front Street. When I say I ran, I mean I really RAN! I ran like I had never run before. In fact, that was another thing my mother never allowed me to do--run. So that morning, I believed I was flying--spreading my wings and heading for lucious liberty. Feeling a hundred pounds lighter, I finally could breathe.

My future was unknown. But what whatever it contained, I knew it would be better than living in that den of hell.

I left my mother and all her paranoid fears behind. For the first time in my life, I felt no fear.

I was free.

MY RESPONSE TO JEFF BOOTH--ROUND 2

Jeff Booth, a man who has a pro-porn internet radio show, has once again made comments about me. Below is my response.

*********************************************

Hello Jeff,
I reiterate—what degraded women twenty-five years ago, still degrades them today. And I say that from the perspective of a woman. I know what it feels like to sell your flesh for money—regardless of the degree of monetary gain. I know the humiliation and the shame. I know because I did it for eight years. Whether it was pornography or prostitution, it was all the same—except with porn, the selling of my flesh was permanently recorded on film.
You conveniently leave out of your response my reference to Shelley Lubben’s website: http://www.shelleylubben.net/ and myspace page: http://www.myspace.com/shelleylubben. I suggest you take a look. She has 26,642 friends on her myspace page—many of whom are former porn stars (from all eras) and recovering porn addicts. No, it is not merely my opinion that the porn industry is destructive. You accuse me of "confirmation bias"—something you may suffer from yourself. You choose to ignore the thousands of people I directed you to who feel as I do about the porn industry in order to validate your own views.
You disclose that your wife performed sex on film. If she found participating in porn the laugh riot you contend, why didn’t she continue? Since you’re very interested in psychology, you realize we tend to repeat behaviors we find most pleasurable, especially when there is positive reinforcement involved, such as money.
You say, "Lots of us do things we might have preferred not to do to get a pay check. It was not wasting our lives. It is just making a buck. A necessary evil." The truth is no one has to do porn to financially survive. The money becomes a convenient excuse—not "necessary" by any means.
You comment about my appearing in porn films that featured an underage girl. I do not know the name of the girl. Like the rest of us, she used a stage name. I didn’t report her at the time because my moral barometer was just as skewed as everyone else’s in the porn industry. Her mother was always there, so, foolishly, I thought everything was all right. Of course, I was wrong. There were many disturbing, illegal, and downright frightening things I witnessed in the eight years I worked in the sex industry. I didn’t report any of it. Partly, I think, because I was in denial about my own involvement in such a horrible business. I regret that. But I was wounded too. And wounded people simply have a skewed view of what is right and wrong.
You say, "Your assumption is that having sex on camera is degrading and humiliating. This is a minority opinion." Once again, I suggest you consult Shelley Lubben’s website and you will see thousands who have experienced the degradation and humiliation of porn—both as performers and viewers. Are 26,642 people also in the dark?
On the subject of celibacy—you assert, "You claim you don’t have an anti-sex agenda, but you do. Come on—you say you are celibate because you respect sex? No, you are celibate because you have issues you really should be working through with a therapist." Also, you say you respect women "enough to let them make decisions about their own sexuality." If this is the case, then why not allow me to make my own decisions about my sexuality? How can you possibly claim to know the reason for my choices? Is the idea of a woman wanting to have sex only with someone she deeply cares for so inconceivable to you? Is a woman who chooses not to sell or give her body to strangers "anti-sex?" Trust me, it is possible for a woman to be celibate because she truly respects sex and is waiting to share it with that special someone.
You mention that you come from an abusive family. I’m so sorry. I too think therapy is a good thing.
You say that you cannot answer my question, "Would you want your daughter to work in the sex industry?" because you don’t have a daughter. Let me be more specific, if you had a daughter, would you want her to work in the sex industry?
You declare that you don’t make generalized comments and expect them to apply to everyone. Yet, that’s exactly what you are doing with me. I have simply shared my experiences and my opinions based on those very personal experiences. I never said I’m speaking for all women. You want me to feel as you do and I simply don’t… and never will.

MY RESPONSE TO CRITICISM OF THE MICHELLE MAREN INTERVIEW

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

THE MICHELLE MAREN INTERVIEW

Note: Below is a reprint of an interview I did on 1/13/08 for the Porn Stars: Where Are They Now website. It was conducted by a man named "Nightwolf."

Michelle Maren is a former New York City beauty queen and dancer turned adult film star. Michelle only appeared in a handful of films in the early 80’s. Her most notable films are Flash Pants, a take on the popular mainstream film and TV show Flashdance, and Throat: 12 Years After a sequel to the legendary porn film Deep Throat. Michelle left the adult entertainment industry after only a few years and eventually graduated college with a degree in Communications and has spent time working in mainstream television production. She is now a 46-year-old devout Catholic, living in New Jersey.

At the request of a reader, I did some checking on Michelle and discovered her MySpace page. Michelle later found the messages about her on this site and posted a response. After Michelle’s response, I contacted her through her MySpace and she agreed to do an interview. Below is the Q&A between Michelle and myself. Please keep in mind that the questions were emailed to Michelle and her responses were emailed back. At times some of the questions may sound stupid and irrelevant given some of Michelle’s answers, obviously the questioning would have been a little different if it were a live face-to-face interview.

Big thanks to Michelle for being so willing to do the interview. I appreciate her openness and honesty. There are so many women who get involved in adult entertainment who end up dead or screwed up. She definitely has her head on straight and has turned her life around for the best. I want to wish her happiness in all that she does because she is truly a class act.

NW: Where were you born? Where did you grow up?
MM: I was born and raised in Scotch Plains, NJ.

NW: Did you have any siblings?
MM: I am the only child of my father and mother, but have four half-brothers and sisters and one half-brother who is adopted.

NW: Describe your early childhood and family life.
MM: My family was extremely dysfunctional. I was abused both emotionally and physically. The worst thing was being isolated from others. It was a very lonely childhood.

NW: Where did you go to school?
MM: I went to public school until the ninth grade. Then I attended an all-girls Catholic high school.

NW: What was your earliest sexual encounter?
MM: Because I was so desperate to be loved by ANYBODY—I fell madly in love with the first man who offered me the smallest crumb of attention. He was a social worker at Covenant House in NYC—the place that was taking care of me when I left home. He was twenty-nine and waited until my eighteenth birthday to de-flower me.

NW: Did you go to college?
MM: Yes, I graduated at the age of forty with a 4.0 GPA. I am very proud of that because I worked so hard to earn it.

NW: Were you involved in a lot of beauty pageants?
MM: I was a contestant in the Miss New York City pageant, but didn’t make the finals. Then I won Miss Chelsea and Miss Big Apple.

NW: What year did you win Ms. Big Apple?
MM: My “reign” was 1981-82.

NW: How was the experience of winning that particular pageant?
MM: During the finals, as I was standing onstage at Town Hall lined up with my fellow contestants garbed in identical green one-piece bathing suits, I realized that my body was being compared to the other girls’. Suddenly, I felt like a head of cattle. I needed to be validated because of my non-existent self-esteem. I needed someone to tell me that I was worthwhile and beautiful. Mistakenly, I thought that winning a beauty contest would fulfill that need. However, obtaining the title of Miss Big Apple did afford me the opportunity of appearing on several local TV programs and making various public appearances in the New York City area.

NW: IMDb says that you were a singer/dancer that often opened for Tiny Tim, were you a good friend of Tim’s? If so what are your memories of him?
MM:I was one of Tiny’s opening acts. He was a very kind man who was anything but “tiny.” I remember him towering over me and looking down with his very pretty blue eyes. He was extremely generous to newcomers–giving anyone a chance to perform. Tiny was always a gentleman.

NW: What type of music did you sing or were you primarily a dancer?
MM: I liked to sing standards—Gershwin, Arlen, Berlin, Porter, etc. When I sang in Japanese clubs, I learned many songs in Japanese. As a dancer, I did routines to Pop and Broadway tunes.

NW: Did you ever record an album?
No, I never had any interest in recording.

NW: How did you become involved in the adult industry? What factors in your life up to that point do you now see as contributing to your decision to become an adult actress?
MM: I started out as a go-go dancer and eventually began posing in men’s magazines, which led to films. My first was FLASH PANTS. I was the “Flash Dancer” and I posed for the film’s poster and video box cover.

Over the years of working in the sex industry—not only in films, but also as a men’s magazine model and go-go dancer—I met literally hundreds of other young women doing the same. I can tell you with all certainty that women who work in the sex industry are wounded spirits, as was I. We all came from family backgrounds of abuse and/or neglect. We did not value ourselves because we were not valued as children.

NW: Were you a fan of adult films before you joined the adult industry?
MM: I was a fan of adult films neither before nor after my experience.

NW: How many adult films did you appear in?
MM: I performed in five films and worked behind-the-scenes in one—DRILLER. Joyce James had written the female lead for me, but by the time it was made I had decided to leave the business. The actress who played the part needed to have her lines looped (dubbed over). So Joyce asked me to do it.

NW: Which of your adult film roles is your favorite?
MM: I do not favor any of them. I am speaking from both my experience and my heart when I say that the adult film industry is a very dark scene. When I first started out in the business, a director told me that the adult film industry is made up of people who all initially wanted to work in “legitimate” fields. Whether they are actors, directors, or writers—none of them started out saying to themselves, “My goal is to work in porn.” Compared to the straight film industry, the porn business is very easy to get into. You have to possess only mediocre talents to get quite a bit of work.

NW: Do you have any fond memories of making adult films?
MM: The adult film industry is very seductive to a young woman lacking self-esteem. On a film set, she is told that she is pretty and there is a make-up artist, cinematographer, director, and even a script—everything that you would find on a regular movie set. During the filming of THROAT: 12 YEARS AFTER, I remember thinking, “This would be really fun, if only I didn’t have to have sex on camera.” That’s where the low self-esteem comes into play. Any woman with a firm sense of self-worth would never do such a thing. I can tell you with all sincerity that when a woman sells her body, it robs her of a piece of her soul.

NW: You mentioned that you only appeared in one boy/girl scene, what was the movie?, who was the actor, and how was your experience during the filming that scene? Did you enjoy it? was it a bad experience?
MM: Actually, I was in two boy/girl scenes in one film—THROAT: 12 YEARS AFTER. The first was with Eric Edwards—a porn veteran. The second was with George Payne who was very popular at the time. I remember trying so very hard to give a real performance. Both Eric and George were very kind but, no, I did not enjoy it. It is a fantasy that the women performing porn actually enjoy it. No one does. That is why most get high before filming a sex scene—to numb themselves. I was the only female porn actress I knew who didn’t get high and that is why I didn’t last in the industry for very long. I know this may not be what you want to hear, but I am speaking the truth. And the sex industry feeds off of lies—lies about what sex should be, lies about male-female relationships, lies about what women enjoy, lies about sexuality… Please believe me—the sex industry lies.

NW: Most of your scenes were either non-sex roles or with women. Do you or did you prefer women in your personal life or were the scenes something that you tried out of curiosity? Or for money?
MM: I am not now, nor was I ever, a lesbian. I had one girl/girl scene in PUBLIC AFFAIRS with Annette Heinz and I started to cry in the middle of it. The director had to cut and wait until I calmed myself to start filming again. I felt terrible because Annette thought I was crying because of something to do with her. I tried to assure her that it did not have anything to do with her. I simply did not want to be there.

Most women who come from a highly dysfunctional childhood find it difficult to function in mainstream society in a regular nine-to-five job. That is why I continued to work in porn even after I decided not to have sex on camera anymore. I thought, “Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad as long as I don’t have sex on camera.” But I was wrong. It was still an extremely negative environment, regardless of my level of participation.

NW: What was the average pay for a porn girl back then?
MM: As I recall, I was paid $1500 for THROAT: 12 YEARS AFTER for three days work. I believe “West Coast Girls” were paid more.

NW: You appeared in the film Shauna Every Man’s Fantasy w/ Shauna Grant, did you actually get to meet Shauna? If so what are your memories of her? Was she troubled? Did she show signs of the bad things that eventually happened to her?
MM: I never met Shauna. When I started working in the industry, Shauna had already quit. In addition to performing in films and posing in magazines, I also wrote articles. I was assigned to write an article about Shauna’s life. She was scheduled to start filming a “comeback” film the day after she shot herself. At the same time, her boyfriend (who was in prison for dealing drugs) told her to move out of his house. I think she felt lost and hopeless and the thought of going back to porn was too much. Yes, Shauna was troubled, as are all women who perform in adult films. The number of suicides, over-doses, murders and AIDS-related deaths are quite high among porn actors.

NW: You also appeared in the film Public Affairs along side porn legend Annette Haven. What was it like working with Annette? What are your memories of her?
MM: I have never seen this film, but I don’t believe that I had any scenes with Annette Haven. I only remember the scene with Annette Heinz, which I have already described.

NW: What is the wildest or craziest memory or experience you have thinking back to your time in the adult business?
MM: When I was working on PUBLIC AFFAIRS, they were supposed to feed the actors. For lunch, a couple of crewmembers dragged in a large black garbage bag filled with some sort of stew. The garbage bag burst open and huge amounts of brown sludge-like stew flowed throughout the studio. This incident showed me how the filmmakers regarded the actors—we were befitting of eating garbage.

In FLASH PANTS, there was a girl appearing in the film who was underage. Yet it was legal for her to perform because her mother was on the set and signed the release forms. I remember the mother brought homemade macaroni salad for the cast and crew.
In the same film, there was a young woman who was covered with bruises. I asked the make-up artist about her, and was told, “Oh yeah, her boyfriend beats her.” No one did anything about it. Her bruises are clearly visible in the film.

Getting the shot is the most important thing. It doesn’t matter if the woman is high or battered or even underage—as long as you get that shot.

NW: Why did you decide to quit making adult movies?
MM: My conscience told me that it was the wrong thing to do.

NW: Do you regret your decision to appear in adult movies?
MM: I am grateful that I got out when I did.

NW: If you could give a bit of advice to girls who are thinking of getting involved in adult entertainment or are already involved in the industry what would it be?
MM: If asked for my advice, I would say to a women who is attracted to any aspect of the sex industry that she would benefit from a close inspection of herself. The sex industry is a world of loneliness and lies, of emptiness and coldness, of hurting human beings who pretend that they don’t feel the agony. It is a slow suicide—a suicide of shame. Fulfillment cannot be found in the sex industry. It will only pull you lower into the pit of darkness. Value yourself and live in the light.

NW: You mentioned that you have some porn actresses on your MySpace friends list. Do you keep in touch with any of the porn people from your time in the industry or are these people that you met after you left the business?
MM: I always thought that porn actors are good people. Through MySpace, I recently re-connected with Ron Jeremy, with whom I never worked, but met at a film premiere. The women from my day have either moved on to other things or, sadly, have passed away. There are some women on my page who are currently working in the industry, but I do not preach to them. I try to live by example. But if anyone asks me questions regarding my faith, I am more than happy to answer.

NW: Do you still watch adult films?
MM: I was never interested in watching adult films.

NW: Do you consider adult films immoral?
MM: I believe adult films are extremely immoral because they promote the objectification of women and the objectification of sex—which is a beautiful gift from God to be shared by a loving husband and wife. I choose to live a celibate life until I marry.

NW: Have you ever been married? If so, how many times and are you currently married now?
MM: I have never been married, although I came very close a few times. However, I haven’t given up hope that God will provide me with a wonderful husband.

NW: Do you have any children? If so, how many? how old are they? If not, then what has been behind your decision to not have children?
MM: I have never had any children. Though I love animals and consider my pets my children.

NW: Your faith is obviously a big part of your life these days. Did your faith play a part in your decision to quit appearing in adult films or was it something you became more serious about later in life?
MM: I was baptized at the age of thirty—many years after my decision to quit the adult film industry. Yet, I know that the Holy Spirit was always speaking to me and guiding me. Sometimes I just didn’t listen.

NW: Were you raised Catholic or did you convert later in life?
MM: Though I attended a Catholic high school, I was not Catholic. In my late twenties, I wanted to join a Christian church but was confused by all the different denominations. I prayed to God for guidance. Every weekend I visited a different denomination. When I arrived at a Catholic Church, it felt “right.” I took religious instruction and was baptized and confirmed in 1991. Now I try to live a life that’s pleasing to God. Through my faith my life has direction and purpose, which was previously lacking.

NW: Do you currently work? If so what do you do for a living? What other jobs have you held since leaving the porn business?
MM: Suffice it to say that I have a degree in Communications and have worked in television production.

NW: Where do you currently live? You do not need to be very specific on this question.
MM: After living in New York for many years, I moved back to New Jersey.

NW: What are your goals, dreams, aspirations?
MM: I would like to write my autobiography and become a motivational apeaker. Also, I would like to perform a cabaret act and/or one-woman show.

Thank you for your interest in my life. I have tried my best to answer your questions honestly.